


Really

by Mysteryred



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Drama, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Romance, TMNT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-03-31 08:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3971716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mysteryred/pseuds/Mysteryred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a rough night on patrol April discovers what she's unwilling to let happen. A tad on the dark side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Centuries  
Just one mistake  
Is all it will take  
We’ll go down in history  
Remember me for centuries.  
~Fall Out Boy~

The water ran over me in near scalding cascades, washing away the taut pull of dried blood. The wound on my head, the gash on my arm, my battered knuckles and the claw mark down my back were screaming in protest against the blessed liquid washing away the grime and dirt clots, staining the floor of the shower in odd swirls of clear and crimson as it whirled down the drain. I don’t know if I couldn’t see through my tears or if it was the shower spraying me in the face, maybe both, but there was something internally cleansing about it all.

  
I wasn’t a little girl anymore. They had to know that. I’ve been training with them for the past five years, and while they had almost a lifetime of experience in comparison, I’d been capable of holding my own for a long time now and I had my share of scars to prove it. I just, don’t know what happened out there tonight. Or maybe I do, and I just don’t want to face it.

  
I feared there was no denying it any longer. After all, the crippling weight of the truth is what brought me to my knees in the first place. Surely I could find a way to escape it. After all, that’s what I should do. My feelings would only put the most important friendship of my life at risk.

  
“April,” Donnie spoke to me through the bathroom door. His voice was fraught with concern and it brought a fresh twist to the knife in my heart. “Please let me take a look at you.”

  
My voice was absent for the lump in my throat. I rubbed my face and peered down at the steady flow of water slapping the tile beneath me. The sound mimicked the downpour of rain on a rooftop and my thoughts slipped back to the beginning of the night, before it all went sideways.

  
“It’s raining, are you sure you don’t want to skip patrol and stay in tonight?” Leo, always the gentleman, offered me an out whenever the weather was bad. Somehow tonight I found it insulting, as if because I was a girl I couldn’t handle the conditions. Well screw that.

  
“I’ll be fine Leo, thanks.”

  
“Alright then, we’re topside in five.”

  
I should’ve stayed home. But no, for some reason I felt I had something to prove tonight.

  
“April! It’s Raph, open this door or I’m bustin’ it down!” Raphael’s tone was gruff and irritated as ever, but I knew he was as worried as Donatello.

  
“I’m fine!” Yet my voice failed to relay my conviction, because it was a lie, and I knew it. I wasn’t fine. Over the years I’d had some close calls, in fact, each one of us had. But tonight was too close. In that fraction of a second it was almost over and I realized he would’ve never known how I really feel.

“APRIL I will break down this door! One…”

  
Raphael’s impatience could really irritate me sometimes.

  
Some things never change.

  
I shifted my weight slightly, only to have my body quickly remind me, with sharp jolts, just how badly some beatings hurt. “Well I’m naked, so, if you really want that image stuck in your head!”

  
I could hear him growling and cursing under his breath.

  
“April, please open the door,” Donnie pleaded, and although there was a shower curtain and a four panel door between us, I knew too well the look that I would see if I removed those barriers. He didn’t have eyebrows, but the ridges covered in purple fabric would be drawn together, bunching in the middle, his liquid brown eyes would be somber and yet they would still shine with little rays of hope, and his sweet mouth would bow in such a way that would tug at the frail strings of my heart.

  
The water was starting to run cold, and for a second I thought I wanted it anyway, just to feel the filth washing away. But I could never scrub hard enough to remove the stains of this lifetime. They were etched on my soul like the khanji branded on Raphael’s arm. Besides, the iciness of it made my wounds sting and my muscles bunch up, only making it all the more difficult to come to terms with what happened and what I had to do because of it.

  
I reached out a trembling hand and flipped the lever, shutting off the water. But I didn’t stand up, instead I drew my knees into my chest and wrapped my arms around me, feeling the steady trickle running down my back. Numbly, I watched the bright red rivulets crash against the water before blending to finish the journey to the drain. I only hoped this wouldn’t put our friendship in a similar situation.

  
“April, I wouldn’t usually do this, but if you won’t open the door, I’m going to pick the lock.” Donnie jiggled the doorknob and I knew he was already at work. I didn’t have much time. It would only take him a few seconds.

  
“Please Donnie, don’t.” I whimpered, hating my own weakness, despising the knot in my stomach and my current inability to control my body or its emotions. I was still replaying that moment in my head…

  
“DONNIE!”

  
Tiger Claw found his opening and he went for it but just before he struck, I threw myself over Donatello shielding him from the razor sharp claws that ripped down my back. My flesh gave way like a hot knife to warm butter and in the next second Donnie rolled over top of me, absorbing the powerful cat’s vicious strikes to his carapace.

  
“I brought you a towel, but you can’t cover your back. It’s pretty bad April, I need to-” His gentle voice trailed off as he stood over me.  
I was a quivering, pathetic mess.

  
Soft terrycloth brushed my legs, but I kept my face buried against them.

  
My brain was a jumble of memories, moments that were ingrained in places deep within me, tucked away and protected because they were both treasured and sacred. From the first time he saved me from the Kraang he left a mark somewhere inside me, and bit by bit with every save, in every fight against every foe, he’d whittled and carved his way through me. But until tonight I never questioned what exactly it was that he was chipping away at.

  
“April.”

  
He was right beside me now, kneeling, uncomfortably I’m sure. My head wouldn’t lift, my body wouldn’t stop shivering, my heart refused to do any less than sputter and jerk and I realized that the steady liquid dripping down my face wasn’t reminiscent of the shower at all. It was me, weeping.

  
My tears had little to do with the sting of my wounds, or the tender jolts that jarred me with every muscle twitch but they had everything to do with him. He’d done more than just save me time and again, he’d listened, he cared, he held me when I thought I lost everything, he was there, even when I didn’t want him to be. We could fight in one breath and he’d protect me with his next, I could count on him, I’d come to depend on him…

  
I felt the towel being tenderly wrapped around the lower half of me before he scooped me up, still in my curled up state, so that my back was upward and my head was draped over his arm. “I’m not trying to uh, make you uncomfortable or anything April, but I’ve got to take care of you.”

  
And now he was taking care of me. Again.

  
“I’m sorry Donnie,” I heard myself whimper.

  
He froze mid-step and took an audible breath before we began moving again.

“Please be okay April,” Mikey cried.

“That looks bad Donnie.”

“I know Leo. Raph open the door to the lab for me? Thanks. Okay, I’ll call you guys if I need anything.”

I heard the door shut behind him and he held me while opening a cabinet and tugging something fabric out then swinging it over the table before he laid me on it.

  
“April, lay on your stomach.”

  
Nothing on my body worked. I was incapable of anything more than reliving five years of memories while trembling in place. It was a horrible feeling, fear of facing the truth, knowing everything it would put at stake. Fear of him looking in my eyes and seeing, because right now, I knew I couldn’t hide it.

  
He maneuvered my body, carefully covering all of my private areas until he had me in a position that gave him full access to my back. Quickly he went to work and I managed to turn my head to the side and catch a glimpse of him.

  
His eyes were like hot chocolate, warm and comforting. The corner of my mouth quirked upward involuntarily as his pink tongue peeked out the corner of his mouth, the way it always did when he was deeply focused on his work. The amethyst tales of his bandana draped over one shoulder and I wanted to wrap my fingers around it and pull him to me. Something hurt inside me and I knew it was past time. It was five years past time.

  
“Donnie.”

  
He was threading a needle and seemed to freeze at the sound of my voice. His eyes drifted from the needle to my face and I pushed myself up on the table, wincing against the protest of my beaten flesh, and he wrapped a sheet around me faster than I could be exposed.

“You… you should lay back down April, I’m not done.”

  
My gaze was fixed on my hands and my body hung awkwardly on the edge of the table, a white linen sheet haphazardly twisted around me, but I had to stop being the coward I knew I must look like. Managing to swallow the lump of fresh tears struggling to escape my throat, I bit my lip and summoned all the energy I had left, to do what I should’ve done years ago. I’d almost waited too long and I sure as hell wasn’t going to make that mistake twice.

  
“I was so scared Donnie. He was right there and you were pinned and-” my voice broke and cracked beneath the weight of my tears. Not now!

A big green finger pressed gently against my chin, tipping it up so he could look me in the face. I clamped my eyes shut in fear of feeling what his rich brown eyes always held for me.  
“April you saved my life tonight.”

  
With his kindness, his sensitive nature, and God help me, his courage and intellect, everything that was Donatello, both simple and yet infinitely complex, had woven its way throughout me, and he’d become as essential to me as my life’s blood.

“I can’t lose you,” I managed to whisper.

  
I sensed him flinch and his hands flew off me like I’d burned him, “What?”

  
Tearing my eyes from the cup of my fingers I forced myself to look at him, “Donnie, I can’t lose you, and tonight scared me. It was real, there was a half a second where the worst, it was a possibility, and the entirety of the past five years flashed before my eyes.” I licked my split lip trying to wet my mouth, “The worst part was, if it did happen I would’ve never told you… You’d have never known.”

  
His mask bunched up and his eyes seemed to frown matching the arc of his mouth, “I wouldn’t have known what April?”

  
The enormity of the night, the rawness of the truth, and the sheer weight of my emotions filled me, brimming and seeking, desperate for a way out. The only option was for it all to spill over in the form of endless rivers down my cheeks. With timid fingers I reached for the tattered amethyst fabric, feeling how thin and delicate it really was. My eyes swept up his perfectly defined tea green shoulder, along the curve of his plainly inhuman face and it just slipped out.

“I love you Donatello.”

  
A shy smile graced his sweet face and his eyes pooled like melted chocolate, “Really?”

  
I sniffled, wiping furiously at the annoying rainfall my eyes would not stop producing, “Really.”


	2. Really Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donatello's take on the moment.

**_Everything Has Changed_ **

_All I know is we said hello_

_So dust off your highest hopes_

_All I know is pouring rain_

_And everything has changed_

_All I know is a new found grace_

_All my days, I’ll know your face_

_All I know since yesterday is everything has changed_

_~Taylor Swift~_

 

 

“Do you really think you have a chance with this girl?” _Victor Falco_

“Do you still think you have a chance with April?” _Raphael_

“She’s a human girl, you’re a mutant turtle. Get used to it.” _Raphael_

“I think it’s perfect.” _Michelangelo on the music box I made for her._

“You’re my mutant.”

“Thank you Donnie, for being there, even when I didn’t want you to be.”

“You’re my hero Donnie.”

“Donatello I love you.”

The words are bouncing around in my head and while they initially melt my insides like wax on a candle they come to settle in the middle of my plastron and to my horror, they hurt. The ache is so painful it resonates from my crumbling heart to my rolling stomach. Those words should have me behaving like Michelangelo with a mint condition comic, two extra large jelly bean and maple syrup pizzas, and the high score at pinball. But what I’ve got is the girl I adore dangling on the edge of a steel medical table after a horrific night that damn well almost took her from me. Blood is dripping down her back in a steady trail like the tears I feel on my cheeks.

I want her, and she wants me, and the truth of what is, and what can never be, it never occurred to me, until she said them. Words I was sure I’d never hear, not meant for me, a mere mutant, though I know I wanted them and I will replay them again and again in my head, every night for the rest of my life. Because they were as perfect and true as everything I’ve felt for her for so long and I’ll cherish them, as I do her, and no one will ever take them from me. Not ever. For the moment she said them, I knew, they were all that I would get to keep.

Gone is the girl I knew five years ago. Her arms are littered with scars that pale in comparison to the shredded mess on her back right now. Scars she shouldn’t have, scars she might not have if she didn’t know me. With her body all bruised and battered and broken, and…

My fingers stop moving and I stare at the bright red mess and the scrapes and I wonder, when did she become every bit the warrior I was made to be? When did this become her life? It hurts, more than anything, it hurts, in places I didn’t know could ache. I want her and it kills me, that now, she’s chosen to tell me, and it’s only made me realize, we can never be.

As I press my lips together and gently guide her back to her stomach with trembling fingers, I resume sewing up her wounds and my mind wanders to the frightened girl I met five years ago, saved from a Kraang holding cell, the girl who stole my heart with her wit, and sass, her courage and determination. She’s my best friend, and despite the doubts that everyone from my own brother, to my very enemies have held against us, I want her, and now to my heartbreak, I know that she wants me.

She doesn’t make a sound as I tie off stitch after stitch and her wounds stare me in the face and I want to scream. There’s only one word for where we are now. Sacrifice. That’s what she was prepared to do for me, and in a split second, for the hundredth time since I met her I was ready to lay it down for her too. And I would, and should that moment come again, I still will. Despite where tonight has brought us.

She’d ran from the idea of ‘us’ for so long and I couldn’t make sense of it. She balked when I gave her the music box, went on a study date with Casey, and somewhere in between she’d refused to hear me when I tried to tell her how I felt. Then when I try to let her go, she kisses me! So why is she telling me this now? What changed?

She fears losing me.

And I have nightmares about failing her.

But it doesn’t matter.

We can never be together. No. I won’t let this go on. Despite everything I’ve wanted for myself for so long. I’m not a foolish boy anymore, I’m something the world will never accept. I can’t even walk down the street with her in the light of day and she’s too amazing for a life locked away in shadow. No. I can’t give her everything she deserves, but _he_ can. He can give her a wedding, a picket fence, beautiful kids, and no more of this endless fight. That is my life. The struggle just so I can live. I run my huge green digits over the delicate swollen red flesh of her back, bound by tiny threads, and my heart clenches. My sweet April.

I tie off the last stitch and help her sit upright, reach for a box of gauze and begin to wrap it around her. I stand behind her and pass it to her so she can cross it over her front. We haven’t spoken beyond two “really’s” since she told me, and she’s watched me work for the past hour, with her blue eyes glossy and bright and never leaving my face.

“Donnie?”

The sound of her voice hits my ears like the promising rustle of new leaves in a spring breeze and summons echoes of those words from moments ago, one perfectly damned “I love you”, that changed everything.

I can’t answer her, the tightness in my chest has made it difficult to breath, and the swell of my heart is great, but it’s the frown on my face that gives it all away. Because she knows me well.

She’s my weakness, and I want her, and she wants me.

I reach out and touch her scarlet colored locks and they fall across my fingers like a spray of petals and my hands remind me of the thick green leaves of their stems. I try to make this moment last, in all its horrific beauty, and wretched ironies, for I have her, big cerulean eyes bright as stars with the tears clinging to her long red lashes like the raindrops I want to shield her from. She shouldn’t hurt because of me. This shouldn’t be her life. I want better for her than I can ever give her. And because I love her, I will let her go. But before I do, I will take this one moment for myself to feel the sweet press of her perfect lips against my clumsy green ones. I sweep my hand across her perfectly gold dusted cheek, with what I hope to be a gentle touch, and she presses her face into my hand and peers up at me as the tears fall away and my heart breaks. Because she is my weakness and I want her, and at long last I feel the powder soft press of her mouth and I plead with the universe to just make it last, I savor the sweet taste of honey and breathe in the vanilla on her hair and my heart wrenches at the smell of grease and blood that mars it. Her lips part and her tiny fingers wrap around the tails of my bandana and she pulls me closer.  I want to hold her but can’t for the wound she bears, it’s because of me. 

Those scars, those bruises, her pain. It’s all me. There’s something wet and salty mixing with the honey flavor of her and I want it to stop. I want everything that’s in our way to just end. I wonder at this moment, how I can love who I am and hate it at the same time, and where will I get the strength to go on when I finally say good-bye.

I press my lips against hers again and hear a strange whimpering sound.

“Donnie?”

I realize, it came from me.

I set my gaze to the concrete floor and I can’t see for the blur. I rub my eyes and my voice comes out sounding like someone ran me over with the Shellraiser. “Yes, April?”

“I won’t let you push me away. None of this is your fault. And if you think that after five years, I don’t have a clue what I’m getting myself into, well then you’re not as smart as we both know you are. I’m a big girl Donatello and this life, it’s mine, and you’re part of me. I want you and you want me and the worst decision you could make right now would be to deny yourself everything that deep down you know you deserve.”

My heart dances somewhere between the light she is and the shadows I live in and I wonder…

“Look at me Donnie,” she slides off the table with a grunt and steps in my line of sight. Her blue eyes are sparkling, and her face is confident and knowing, as she reaches up and brushes her fingers over my cheek, “You can’t make me go away, I won’t let you, and besides you don’t want me to.”

No I don’t. But am I worthy of her? Yes. I. Am. Can I protect her? I have so far. Will we make it? I sure as hell want to find out.

Her lips spread into a perfect smile and my heart skips a beat. She nods her head, “That’s better.”

“April?”

She’s my best friend. And I want her. And she wants _me_.

 _Me_.

And I’m going for it.

“I love you too.”


End file.
